The Pressures Of Mom Guilt And How To Address It
As a mom of two teenage daughters, I have gone through many phases with them growing up. Newborns, toddlers, kids, preteens, and now onto the teenage years into young adulthood. I have experienced mom guilt in every phase and continue to feel it in so many ways - as do many of my clients.
Even sitting down to write this, I have a list of things I know I could be doing instead: I should be showered and put together for the day, I should organize my work and client accounts, I should finish things so I can spend time with my family this afternoon. The list could go on and on.
While mom guilt seems inescapable some days, I’m here to tell you that with acknowledgement and awareness, it can be dealt with in a healthy way that doesn’t consume your every move.
What is Mom Guilt?
You can find many different definitions for mom guilt out there, but from my own experience, mom guilt is the feeling of not doing, saying, or being enough for your kids. Hand in hand with mom guilt is also the fear of doing things wrong or making a decision that will ‘mess up’ your kids in the long run.
Mom guilt is very common for mothers of all different walks of life. It can be felt by mothers who work full time, part time, inside the home, outside of the home, those who care for kids full time, and those who bring in extra help. The reality is that mom guilt does not pick and choose. We all have our reasons for feeling the ways that we do.
For me, I struggle with being fully present for my kids while balancing the desire to earn an income and contribute to the world through some form of career. This feeling often creates a tug and certain things shift that I don’t always anticipate.
I created my own business so I could have more control of my work schedule. I try to schedule clients during certain times of the day which changes throughout the year based on school year, summer schedules, and other aspects of my kids’ lives. Even so, I still struggle when I’m working thinking about all of the other tasks that need to be done or that I should be hanging out with my kids. On the flip side, when I’m cleaning or exercising, I feel like I should be growing my business.
There is an endless cycle of “I should be doing something that I’m not doing now.”
Mom’s Do It All - And Then Some
A mom’s to-do list is huge: cooking, cleaning, errands, the family calendar, schedule appointments, drive everywhere, sign up deadlines, forms, homework help, grocery shopping, cooking, managing emotions, laundry, work, and so much more.
One thing that has really helped me throughout the years is finding a way in my own life to produce quality results in the most efficient way possible. Routines and habits can help set up systems that keep this top of mind.
How To Identify Mom Guilt
Addressing mom guilt first starts with identifying it. Some common examples of mom guilt may include:
Formula vs breast milk
Guilt while working vs being home playing with kids
Taking time for yourself while the house needs to be cleaned
Allowing infants to cry it out vs attachment parenting
Once we can identify that what we are feeling is in fact mom guilt, the next helpful step is identifying what is causing it. This may be caused by:
Comparison to other moms you know personally
Comparison to other moms you see on TV or social media
Endless stream of suggestions of how you should be doing things from others
Thinking you can do it all and…
Thinking you can do it all perfectly
Living With Guilt And Managing Being A Mom
Does mom guilt go away? I hear this question a lot.
Simply put, no. It changes forms depending on the phase of life you’re in and the age of your kids. It often seems that the more a mom is invested in her children’s lives, the more ways she manifests mom guilt in her own life.
Since we can’t eliminate it, we have to learn to manage it.
Find Awareness - When do you feel guilt and what causes it? This is different for everyone.
Identify the sources of guilt - Where does it come from? This could be outside sources, an inherent feeling of not being enough, or trying to do better than your parents did.
Create systems that help support you and your priorities - these could be for laundry, cooking, cleaning, fitness, or finances. Find things that work for you and make time for priorities.
Ask for help - from your partner, kids, and other outside resources. This supports a natural cycle of giving and receiving.
Know your limits - learn to rest instead of give up. Be realistic, you are not a machine.
Helpful Reminders To Keep On Hand
If you’re still struggling with mom guilt, I have a few of my favorite helpful reminders for you to keep on hand.
Know your values
Knowing your values will help you worry less about things that fall outside of your core values. My priorities are family, health, and work/life balance. It won’t be possible for me to say yes to all of the oppoortunites and requests that come my way. If something is outside of my priorities, I have to think long and hard about the commitment. You are not a machine, you are human.
Use an empowered ‘no’
Unlimited requests to help out or participate in anything and everything are common. Use an empowered ‘no’ to decline requests that you can’t or don’t want to do.
“Thank you for thinking of me but I’m not taking on any other commitments at the moment.”
“I would love to participate but my schedule is full that day.”
“I tend to say yes to too many things so let me think about it and get back to you.”
Remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence. Not every response requires explanation.
Remember that times will change
The mess will go away one day. The rooms will be empty.
Kids don’t want a perfect mother. They want a happy one.
If it won’t matter in a year, then let it go.
The 5 regrets of the dying
These common regrets we hear from the dying offer amazing perspectives into how we may want to consider living.
Have the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
I wish hadn’t worked so hard
I wish I had the courage to express my feelings
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
I wish I had let myself be happier
Mothers Unite
As you continue to navigate the deeply rewarding and challenging role of motherhood, remember that you’re never alone with the obstacles that you face. Lean on other mothers in your community, ask for help from your family and friends, and know that these fleeting moments are just that - difficult some days but quickly passing years you will soon be calling the good ole days.